I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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