Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
