dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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