wrigley field is MILF paradise
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
