I looked at my own cervix.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
