hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
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If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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