i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
