I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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