I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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