Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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