just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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