why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
