Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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