I think my fart just growled at me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
