You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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