i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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