dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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