There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The power of my boobs compel you
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
