yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
