Your mouth is God's brothel.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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