I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
