When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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