OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
me + whiskey = a bad person
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
