I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
