I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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