I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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