He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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