I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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