She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
