mondays should just be called national damage control day
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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