sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
