why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
