I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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