My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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