oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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