Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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