I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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