whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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