There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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