So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
