And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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