I hate your face
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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