My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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