I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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