omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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