using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
