yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do vagina's smell?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
