I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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