R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
