I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My life is pants optional.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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