all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to calm my uterus...
True strength comes from lack of pants
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
