Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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