I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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