So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Found the puke drawer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
