How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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