My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
