final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So many bounce houses so little time
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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