2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
and you fell through a lawn chair
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
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