you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
